Logan Echolls

My greatest fear is turning into my father. Yeah, betcha didn't see that one coming, did you? "Son of psycho killer fears turning into father." Not exactly news at eleven.

But there it is. And it's... sometimes I can feel it happening. I've hurt people before. Not kids or women, not yet. But I've come close, with Lilly and with Veronica. When I get pissed off, it's like I have this need to hit someone or something. I've got enough control that I can redirect it - I can let it out on the wall or a lamp or whatever inanimate object is handy. What if someday I can't do that? It scares the hell out of me.

For that matter, destroying things is not exactly the way to a woman's heart. I can't forget the look on Veronica's face just before her dad pinned me against the wall and threw me out. The fear in her eyes... I don't want someone I love to look at me like that. Not ever.

Therapy's an option, I guess. I've read stuff online that makes me think I might have post-traumatic stress disorder. Wow, that looks pretentious just typing it. Kid who grew up in a mansion having the same disorder as people who have been in wars? If word got out, I'd probably get my ass kicked by some Marines just on principle. And word always gets out.

Therapy. Thing is, if I had to listen to some smug shrink go all Good Will Hunting on me, I think that might just lead to more violence. You can't tell me it's "not my fault." Sometimes, yeah, I know there were times when my dad was just lashing out and I was the handy target. But - dude, you have no idea what a brat I was as a kid. Mother Theresa would've slapped me around. Plenty of times I knew I'd get whipped for something and I did it anyway.

Then I'd get the double whammy. Piss off my dad, then upset my mom when she saw me after. She couldn't understand why I didn't just stay quiet and keep out of his way. I tried, sometimes, not for me or for him, but for her. Then after Lilly died... it didn't matter anymore. A lot of things didn't matter anymore.

Not "died." Murdered. Head bashed in by my father, who then had the balls to try and console me after. For a little while, I thought maybe he really did love me. The one time in my life when he was actually there for me was right after her death. He got bored with my grief pretty quickly, but for a little while I thought he cared.

It was an act, of course. I should've known. I should have seen through it. I've seen through it a hundred times before, but when he turned it on me, I fell for it, just like the rest of them.

I won't be like him. Not ever. Because there's one thing I can do that he would never, ever do. One thing I got from my mom. If I can't fix myself, I can at least make sure I never, ever hurt anyone else.

That's the real reason I've kept the gun.

The Kanes used to be the perfect family. Not like Hallmark or Lifetime perfect; how creepy would that be? Nah, they were plenty real, and fucked-up in their own way, but to me, they were perfect. Lilly'd bitch about Duncan, Duncan'd bitch about Lilly and they'd bicker all the time but they - I'd like to say they weren't serious, but they thought they were. They truly, honestly meant whatever they were saying - then an hour later, they'd be hanging out and joking like nothing had happened. I've never known siblings as close as they were. It'd be awesome to have that - a ready-made best friend who'd always be there. Someone who'd stick by you no matter how much of an asshole you were.

Lilly claimed to hate her mom, but I don't think she really knew what hate was. Everyone loved Lilly and she loved them, if for no other reason than because they loved her. Celeste could be a total bitch sometimes, don't get me wrong. She and Lilly would get in the most awful fights. God, if I'd said to my dad half of what Lilly said to her mom, he would've put me in the hospital.

Duncan was the golden boy. He could do no wrong. Literally. The only times he got in trouble were when Lilly or I dragged him into something. He got great grades, was polite to teachers, excelled in sports and he never rubbed it in your face how awesome he was. His parents pushed him a lot, I know. If Duncan came home with a 99% on a test, Jake would be quizzing him on what he did wrong and how to fix it next time. But they were so proud of him. Every soccer game, every parent-teacher conference, every school play, there they were. They thought he could be President, and maybe he could've been.

Sometimes I'd get to go along on family outings, usually the zoo. Then I'd secretly pretend that I was one of them. When I was little, I'd fantasize that Duncan's parents and mine would get divorced and my mom would marry Duncan's dad and I'd go live with them and Duncan and Lilly.

I loved Lilly so much, I assumed we'd get married one day. I would've loved her even if she'd been an orphan, but the idea of finally really being a part of the Kane family was almost as much of an attraction as Lilly herself.

Everything shattered when Lilly died, murdered by my father. The Kanes welcomed me into their home and I brought destruction down on them.

I don't think Duncan's forgiven me for that. He's tried, I know. He's told me it's not my fault, but he can't forget. If Lilly had never been friends with me, she wouldn't have met my dad and she'd still be alive. Duncan used to be like a brother to me. Now he's disappeared without saying anything to me. I haven't gotten so much as an cryptic, anonymous postcard from out of the country. Guess he couldn't trust me anymore. I wish I could be mad at him for it.

Comments welcome.

Who, me? I'm Logan Echolls. Go on, Google it. I can wait.

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Yes, that Logan Echolls. Son of Lynn and Aaron. You may know me from such events as the Bumfights I orchestrated. (For which, I must add, I am deeply sorry. I have found a new respect for the people who have had such difficult lives.) Or you may have heard that I was accused of murder last year - a crime which I did not commit. (The California court system agrees, by the way.)

Hm. I bet you're here because you've been following the trial of my dearly departed father. For the record? I don't care if he was found innocent. I know he slept with my girlfriend, Lilly Kane, then bashed her head in with an ashtray. He's wacky like that.

But I bet what you're really wondering is, who shot Aaron Echolls in his hotel room at the Neptune Grand? This, my friend, is your lucky day, because I am going to tell you.

Forget what you've read. Hollywood is really run by a small, elite organization bound together by their religion. No, not the Jews. This organization believes that angels have come down to Earth in the form of our pets. Yes, you may have a divine being living in your home already. That's why so many pets are worshipped and pampered in L.A. You really think anyone would spend $1800 on a dog bowl for some mutt? These people know exactly what they're doing. "Cherish them on Earth as you would be Cherished in Heaven," the good book says.

It wasn't the statutory rape or the murder that made them off my dad. He committed the worst sin of all, and had to be punished. It's difficult to talk about this, but people need to know. My father was justly executed because he kicked a puppy.

Fandom: Veronica Mars
Character: Logan Echolls
Word Count: 314

Hi, you've reached Logan, and here's today's inspirational quote:

'Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right!' -Henry Ford